The Top Ten Worst Things about ESPN

ESPN. There have never been four letters that have dominated a landscape quite like it. There are many positives to ESPN: the blanket coverage, the availability of sporting events, news at the tip of your fingers, and enjoyable and engaging personalities. And while ESPN has been the best thing about sports, it is also the worst thing about sports. There are many different reasons why the wheels are falling off and these are just ten of them.

10. PALMER AND POLLACK

Okay, lets take two guys with no personality and zero chemistry and give them a three hour show. Ambien doesn't put as many people to sleep as this show does.

"Wow, that's an interesting point..... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

9. JOHN BUCCIGROSS' INTERVIEW STYLE

In the true Barbara Walters style, no one asks more inane questions than John Buccigross. He's an above average SportsCenter anchor, but put him on an interview and he just bombs. In an effort to be hip, smart and relevant, he accomplishes none of this. He does interviews with a combination of bad jokes, awkward pauses and cultural references that no one understands but him.

"So Jimmer, if you were a tree, would you be like the lead singer of Flogging Molly?"

8. SPORTSNATION

It's not so much the hosts, it's the fact that like Seinfeld, it's a show about nothing. Cameron Diaz look-alike Michelle Beadle is spunky, likable and attractive. Her co-host, Batboy look-alike Colin Cowherd has some knowledge and forceful opinions, but the show seems inconsequential and trivial. SportsNation has the texture of a Cream-Puff.

Stunning resemblance, stunning...

7. CHRIS BERMAN

Hey Berman, I haven't seen a routine so old and tired since Cloris Leachman was on Dancing with Stars. Don Rickles isn't as out of touch as Berman. Please get some new material.

6. ELITISM

The phrase "small market team" or "non BCS AQ school" have no relevance in the real world, but on ESPN they are code for "Not New York" or "Not the SEC." ESPN has developed a penchant for downplaying the little guys. An example would be the Colorado Rockies historical run in 2007, when the Rockies won 14 of their last 15 games and clinched the Wild Card. If this had been a New York team, ESPN would have lauded the streak and call it one of the greatest runs ever in baseball history. This was summarily ignored. ESPN's sense of elitism is so out of whack, that Houston has been called a "mid-market." Houston. The FOURTH largest city in America. But it is college football that most often gets the pinkie out treatment; Boise State is often treated as if it has scabies. Analyst Mark May may be the worst here. Before the 2009 Sugar Bowl, May scoffed at the idea that then Mountain West member Utah beating SEC giant Alabama by saying the Alabama was just "bigger, stronger and better" than Utah. Utah then rolled Alabama 31-17. Which leads to the next item on the list...

5. "EXPERTS"

How many experts does it take to screw in a light bulb? At ESPN? Over a hundred. The outside of ESPN must look like the Statue of Liberty, because ESPN seems to hire anyone with a pulse. Their college football wing is so loaded with analysts that they have a show called "The Experts." Andy Warhol said everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. He must have meant everyone will get time on an ESPN program. This policy has produced some enjoyable moments...

Now THAT is some authentic Frontier gibberish...

4. THE DEATH OF SPORTS WRITING

I enjoy the show Around the Horn, but I don't enjoy what the show has done with the sports writers who "star" on it. They've become rock stars in all the wrong way. This is especially true of Woody Paige who had a chance to become Gene Amole and instead he's decided to become Krusty the Clown. The ecstasy of appearing on TV is overtaking their desire to be journalists.

3. PRISONER OF THE MOMENT

Every week is the best week in sports history. The pitcher who threw the last no-hitter is the best ever. Every playoff series is over after the first game. In the thirst for covering now, ESPN has lost its historical perspective. Careers are largely forgotten. You wont hear about Sandy Koufax, but you will hear about Stephen Strasburg. The more cynical you are, the more you realize that everything that is new is better because ESPN broadcasts it. So all the LeBron talk is to make sure to watch ESPN's broadcast of the Miami Heat game.

2. IDOLATRY

Favre. Kobe. LeBron. Favre. Tebow. Favre. Reggie Bush. Dwayne WADE. The building of false gods is a sports tradition, but ESPN has taken it to an extreme. When Brett Favre was deciding whether or not to return to the NFL after the 2009 season, the town of Hattiesburg was held hostage by near daily reports of will he or won't he? LeBron vs. Michael Jordan has been broached more than once. They build these athletes up to monumental proportions. They've even created an award show in the ESPYs... but perhaps the most damaging (yet again) is their college football coverage. ESPN has built virtual monuments to Tim Tebow, Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart, Jamarcus Russell and Brady Quinn, building them up to being bigger than life and then ESPN is unprepared when reality doesn't quite live up to the hype.

1. SKIP BAYLESS

To paraphrase Walt Kelly's famous comic strip Pogo, we have met the enemy and he is Skip Bayless. Shrill, arrogant, and condescending (and those are his good points), Bayless has unleashed a reign of terror unmatched in sports journalism history. He has engaged in an endless crusade to lift those up whom he has built up and sink those who he despises down to murky depths. Excuses pour out of him like sweat off of Albert Brooks in Broadcast News when he is proven wrong and character assassination comes to those who he bears a grudge with. Troy Aikman wants to meet him in a dark alley after Bayless alleged that Aikman was gay. Bayless insinuated that Chris Broussard, an ESPN NBA Reporter, had taken money to provide LeBron James with favorable coverage. Bayless has had more wrong predictions than most people have had headaches. Why is he there? To stir the pot. But what he's cooking is poisonous to all of ESPN.

We as in we, but not you

On ESPN’s Grantland website, Chris Jones recently wrote about the fallacy of saying “We” in the context of sports. He makes a good argument, but ultimately all of those who care enough to make the designation miss the point. They’re all buzz kills.

Sports are supposed to be a place of escape and bringing those who aren’t of the same class, gender or race together for a common cause. It is entertainment, but the other forms can be just as divisive as they are communal. You’ll never see an Adam Sandler fan rent Remains of the Day, nor will you see an art house film buff at the premier of Sandler’s upcoming atrocity Jack and Jill. Metal fans are an island on to themselves, neither letting one on the island or off. You may like Fox News or MSNBC, but you won’t like both. Sport transcends all that.

Why care? Why go to someone else’s birthday party and blow out their candles? Is it that important to you to prick their balloon and make them cry? What do you get out of it? It is important to have standards, but why go to all of that trouble just to put people in their place.

The first rule of saying we is that fans DO matter. Can the Florida Marlins exist without them? They’ve given it the good old-fashioned try in the last decade, but the reason why the “evil, small-footed” owners can’t spend any money is because they haven’t put butts in seats. It’s funny how that works. Revenue equals spending, and you can only exist on a marginal scale without fans. Fans matter enough to the Marlins that they built a stadium to see if they draw more of them with the promise of air-conditioning (they won’t). St. Louis is the very definition of a mid-market team. The city is roughly the size of Seattle or Denver, yet the Cardinals are competitive year in and year out. Why? Because the fans go to every game and support the team, so the Cardinals get the extra income to invest back in the team. Without fan support, sports would be empty arena matches with no emotion and no reason to play the game.

Jones’ examples of teams moving (Montreal Expos, Vancouver Grizzlies, Hartford Whalers and the original Cleveland Browns) actually undermine his cause. Only one move happened despite fan support (Art Modell’s craven and cowardly act of ripping the heart out of Cleveland) and the others happened because of the LACK of fan support. They didn’t put enough butts in seats. There was apathy and no sense of communal pride at that time (not to mention that Vancouver just wasn’t ready for the Grizzlies).

It’s not even the definition of the thing, it’s the absolute joy when the buzz kills point out that “you’re” not part of the team. They must tell random children that there is no Santa Claus. It’s interesting to note that those who complain about “we” are usually grammar police in their spare time. Hey, if you’re going to suck the joy out of life, might as well be good at it.

Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame Sabermetrics, part 2

We now will take an analytical look at the upcoming nominees for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Using a 5 point system, we will determine which candidates are worthy.

20-25 points = surefire Hall of Famer

18-19 points = good candidate

16-17 points = fringe candidate

15 and under = not electable

Beastie Boys

LONGEVITY: 4

MUSICIANSHIP: 4

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 4

ARTISTIC INTENT: 4

Final Score: 20

The Beasties have held up well over the years. The elephant in the room is their first album License to Ill which, for all intents and purposes, is a novelty record. Their best years were from 1989, when they released the wonderful album Paul’s Boutique, to 1998 when they put out Hello Nasty. They’re tremendously influential in hip hop for being the first mainline white rap act. It’s a good thing when you consider that they paved the way for 3^rd Bass and Eminem, but a bit of a negative when you realize that they also paved the way for Vanilla Ice and Fred Durst.

The Cure

LONGEVITY: 4

MUSICIANSHIP: 3

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 3

ARTISTIC INTENT: 4

Final Score: 18

Leading the revolution of Goth kids everywhere, The Cure have been a musical force for nearly five decades. With whimsical songwriting and a morbid image, they certainly have a lot of what it takes to be elected to the Hall of Fame. Inconsistency and the fact that for most of their existence they’ve been a Robert Smith solo act disguised as a band would be the biggest roadblocks to election. Plus, they have this “emo” thing that they have to live with… could you sleep at night knowing that you’re responsible for My Chemical Romance?

Donovan

LONGEVITY: 2

MUSICIANSHIP: 4

INFLUENCE: 2

ALBUM SALES: 2

ARTISTIC INTENT: 4

FINAL SCORE: 14

The first real clunker on the nominee list, Donovan was an excellent young folk singer who turned on, tuned in and dropped off some psychedelic music in the 60’s. Known for the songs Sunshine Superman, Mellow Yellow and Hurdy Gurdy Man, Donavan had a brief time in the spotlight in the mid to late 60’s and after releasing HMS Donovan in 1971 fell off both commercially and critically. He basically took the decades of the 80’s and 90’s off. There’s not enough of a legacy there to warrant induction.

Eric B. and Rakim

LONGEVITY: 2

MUSICIANSHIP: 4

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 3

ARTISTIC INTENT: 4

FINAL SCORE: 17

One of the most influential hip hop duos of all time, Eric B. and Rakim were considered as good as it got during their brief tenure in the 80’s and 90’s. Rakim is often considered one of the best, if not THE best, MCs of all time. What hurts them is that they weren’t pioneers like Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, they weren’t commercial juggernauts like RUN-D.M.C., they didn’t have longevity like the Beastie Boys, and they weren’t firebrands like Public Enemy. I’m afraid in this context Eric B. and Rakim fall into the Hall of the Very Good, not into the Hall of Fame.

Guns ‘N’ Roses

LONGEVITY: 2

MUSICIANSHIP: 4

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 5

ARTISTIC INTENT: 3

FINAL SCORE: 18

While it’s easy to pick on Axl Rose for his devolution into a human troll doll, his temper, the ridiculous corn rows and his ability to destroy everything he touches, there’s no denying the impact of Guns ‘N’ Roses on the rock and roll landscape. They were dangerous at a time when most hair metal bands were as threatening as a Care Bear and they made rock exciting again. Then Axl started inciting riots and jumping in crowds and producing schlock like “November Rain” and it all went to shit. Axl’s either been in seclusion for much of the last 2 decades or touring with a sock puppet version of Guns ‘N’ Roses. It’s a simple fact that GNR is comprised of Axl, Slash, Duff McKagan, Izzy Stradlin and either Steven Adler or Matt Sorum (preferably Sorum since he isn’t going in and out of rehab). GNR gets into the Hall of Fame on image alone, but they should have had an all-time kind of career.

Heart

LONGEVITY: 5

MUSICIANSHIP: 3

INFLUENCE: 2

ALBUM SALES: 3

ARTISTIC INTENT: 3

FINAL SCORE: 16

Sisters Ann and Nancy Wilson have been rocking as Heart for nearly 40 years and were one of the first female lead rock acts to make it big. Ann Wilson has one of the best voices in rock and Nancy’s outstanding harmony talents are often overlooked and underappreciated. However, much of their output has been pedestrian and they’ve been inconsistent artistically. They have many fun songs like “Barracuda” and “What About Love”, but few memorable ones. I wouldn’t hate it if Heart gets in, but I think there are stronger candidates.

Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

LONGEVITY: 4

MUSICIANSHIP: 3

INFLUENCE: 3

ALBUM SALES: 3

ARTISTIC INTENT: 4

FINAL SCORE: 17

The original bad girl, Joan Jett has rocked the world for years now with one of the best images out there. After getting her start in the legendary punk band the Runaways, Jett launched into her own solo career. Tough, no-nonsense and aggressive, Jett has been a pioneer for women who rock. An inconsistent output and an overdependence on cover songs may weigh her bid down, but no one questions her smoldering intensity and the importance of her as a seminal figure for female rock. Whether or not that will be enough, time will tell.

Freddie King

LONGEVITY: 3

MUSICIANSHIP: 5

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 2

ARTISTIC INTENT: 3

FINAL SCORE: 17

One of the finest blues guitarists of all time, Freddie King came in the same wave of talent that included Albert King, Albert Collins and Buddy Guy. Strong voiced and with nimble fingers, King recorded both the instrumental “Hide Away” and the classic standard “Have You Ever Loved a Woman?” He was very influential to guitarists such as Stevie Ray Vaughan, Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix and Robert Cray, but he also had a great deal of competition in the blues world and having died young at the age of 42, his longevity pales in comparison to some of his peers. Albert King, Albert Collins and Otis Rush all have similar resumes and longer careers and none of those men are in the Hall.

Laura Nyro

LONGEVITY: 3

MUSICIANSHIP: 4

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 1

ARTISTIC INTENT: 4

FINAL SCORE: 16

A strong voiced songstress from New York, Laura Nyro dazzled critics and musicians alike with her songwriting and phrasing. Among the artists that covered her songs were the 5^th Dimension, Barbra Streisand and Three Dog Night. Blood, Sweat and Tears even butchered covered “And When I Die.” Nyro had some commercial success earlier in her career but fell off after a brief retirement. While she was influential to many artists (Elvis Costello, Todd Rundgren, Rickie Lee Jones and Elton John are among the artists who have claimed her as an influence) she never gained the commercial success that others with similar styles had. Her output became erratic in the later stages of her career before her tragic death due to ovarian cancer. Great talent, but not sure if she’s fame worthy.

Red Hot Chili Peppers

LONGEVITY: 5

MUSICIANSHIP: 4

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 5

ARTISTIC INTENT: 3

FINAL SCORE: 21

One of the best-selling artists of the 90s, the Red Hot Chili Peppers exploded on the scene in 1984; making them one of the longest tenured bands of the Alternative era. High school running buddies Anthony Kiedis and Flea have been the stalwarts of a lineup that has included 6 guitarists and 3 drummers. Since 1989, popularity has not been a problem, but inconsistency and a tendency to not take themselves seriously have occasionally derailed the band. Flea is a top tier bassist and former guitarist John Frusciante was an eclectic edge for the band to have. This could be their year.

Rufus with Chaka Kahn

LONGEVITY: 2

MUSICIANSHIP: 3

INFLUENCE: 2

ALBUM SALES: 3

ARTISTIC INTENT: 2

FINAL SCORE: 12

Another questionable nominee, Rufus was formed in Chicago in 1970 out of the ashes of the band the American Breed. Rufus found a nice groove and ran with it, earning a high profile fan in Stevie Wonder who wrote “Tell Me Something Good” which was their biggest hit. Rufus had a ridiculous number of personnel changes with only keyboardist Kevin Murphy staying for the entire run of the band. In the thirteen years after forming, Rufus had a total of 14 different members. While Rufus had a good deal of commercial success in their day, the lack of a core unit and real imprint should cost them induction. When a band is most famous for launching the solo career of their lead singer, they’re not Hall worthy.

The Small Faces/The Faces

LONGEVITY: 2

MUSICIANSHIP: 4

INFLUENCE: 3

ALBUM SALES: 3

ARTISTIC INTENT: 3

FINAL SCORE: 15

One of the bands from the British Invasion that didn’t quite commercially invade the US, the Small Faces were a tremendous success back in the UK. Founded in 1965, the band had one major international hit with “Itchycoo Park” and major hits at home. Original lead singer Steve Mariott left the band in 1968 to form Humble Pie with Peter Frampton, the remaining members recruited a couple of guys named Rod Stewart and Ronnie Wood from some guitarist named Jeff Beck’s band. The new band was rechristened the Faces (should have been The Noses to be fair) and reinvented themselves as a hard charging rock band. While very influential, The Faces failed to grab the commercial success that was probably deserved. Rod Stewart would eventually get that success by himself and now can be blamed for “Hot Legs.” The main problem with their Hall status is the fact that it’s not really one band, it’s two distinct bands with completely different sounds.

The Spinners

LONGEVITY: 4

MUSICIANSHIP: 4

INFLUENCE: 3

ALBUM SALES: 3

ARTISTIC INTENT: 2

FINAL SCORE: 16

The Spinners were the most important of the Philadelphia soul groups of the early 70’s, even though they were from Detroit. That’s how good they were. Formed in the 1950’s as a corner doo wop group, they languished for a decade at Motown before leaving to sign with Atlantic and work with producer Thom Bell. The Spinners were hit makers for a decade before slowing down in the 1980’s. Their commercial success is laudable, but it’s hard to place them in the hierarchy of vocal groups. They’re a dark horse to make the Hall this year.

Donna Summer

LONGEVITY: 3

MUSICIANSHIP: 3

INFLUENCE: 2

ALBUM SALES: 4

ARTISTIC INTENT: 2

FINAL SCORE: 14

Donna Summer was the Queen of Disco. Her first hit was in 1975 with “Love to Love You Baby” and it kicked off a 10 year period where she was a force to be reckoned with. Beautiful with a sultry voice, Summer sexed up the Disco charts as well as the Billboard top 100. Between 1975 and 1983, she belted out 13 top ten hits and sold an amazing amount of records. The problem was that when disco died, her career didn’t sustain its momentum. Many of her songs are purely commercial with no attempt at pushing any boundaries.

War

LONGEVITY: 4

MUSICIANSHIP: 5

INFLUENCE: 3

ALBUM SALES: 3

ARTISTIC INTENT: 4

FINAL SCORE: 19

War was a multi-racial band based out of Los Angeles. While working as Deacon Jones’ backing band as Nightshift (yes that Deacon Jones and no I’m not making that up) they were discovered by industry heavyweight Jerry Goldstein who mentioned the band as a possibility to former Animals lead singer Eric Burdon who wanted his career to go in a different direction. Joining them along with Danish-born harmonica virtuoso Lee Oskar, Burdon rechristened the band War. After two albums with Burdon, War struck out on their own and produced some of the best soul music in the 70’s. Phenomenal musicians with incredible range, there are few acts with such a diverse array of musical talent. While War was certainly commercially successful, they lacked the blockbuster album that could put them over the top.

Using this objective method, my five votes would go to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Beastie Boys, The Cure, Guns ‘N’ Roses and War.

For fun, I’m going to review three other bands who should have been nominated.

Rush

LONGEVITY: 5

MUSICIANSHIP: 4

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 5

ARTISTIC INTENT: 4

FINAL SCORE: 22

There are great mysteries in this world. How did the dinosaurs die? Is there a Loch Ness Monster? How many licks does it take to make it to the center of a Tootsie Pop? And why hasn’t Rush at least been nominated for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? They obviously have longevity because they released their debut album in 1974 and posted a Billboard top 5 album in 2007. Their musicianship is impeccable with drummer Neal Peart being regarded as one of the best rock drummers of all-time. Geddy Lee’s bass playing is amazing and his voice is… um, he plays the bass well. Alex Lifeson is a great and versatile guitarist. They’ve become very influential with Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins, Trent Reznor of nine inch nails and Les Claypool of Primus all citing Rush as a source of inspiration. They’ve sold over 25 million albums and never stopped pushing musical boundaries. The only reason that they’ve never been nominated is because rock critics didn’t think they were cool. That’s not a good reason. Just nominate them, willya?

Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble

LONGEVITY: 3

MUSICIANSHIP: 5

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 3

ARTISTIC INTENT: 3

FINAL SCORE: 18

One of the finest guitarists of the rock era, Stevie Ray Vaughan died young but left a large legacy due to his blistering style. Backed by Tommy Shannon on bass and Chris Layton on drums, Double Trouble was as tight musically as any band this side of Booker T. and the MG’s. When Vaughan played the Montreux Jazz Festival in 1982, David Bowie offered Vaughan the chance to play on Bowie’s upcoming album and Jackson Browne offered him free time in his studio. When you have two icons falling over themselves to help your career, you have serious peer support. The two issues with Vaughan’s candidacy are the lack of variety in his music and the tragic brevity of his career. In my opinion, Vaughan is the second best guitarist of the rock era eclipsed only by Jimi Hendrix.

Kiss

LONGEVITY: 4

MUSICIANSHIP: 2

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 5

ARTISTIC INTENT: 1

FINAL SCORE: 16

The most overrated Hall Candidate of all time, Kiss remains the biggest overselling of a legacy in music. Gene Simmons has convinced Kiss fans and heavy metal that Kiss is one of the top selling artists of all time. While their album sales are impressive, they haven’t sold nearly as many copies as they say they have. To put in perspective, AC/DC has sold twice as many copies of Back in Black than Kiss has with their entire catalogue. With mediocre musicianship and laughable artistic intent, their candidacy will remain on the fringes aided only by the cries of the public.

Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame Sabermetrics, part 1

ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME SABERMETRICS

There are two ways at looking at the annual announcement of the nominees for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The first is the usual caterwauling about the Rock and Roll Hall of “Lame” and how come this band is nominated while this band isn’t or the famous misconception that only rock acts should be in the Hall. The second is being analytical about it and applying the equivalent of baseball’s sabermetrics to the new nominees.

The Hall has gotten it mostly right. The acts that need to be in are there. While the Hall has made some mistakes (Solomon Burke, The (Young) Rascals, Del Shannon, The Lovin Spoonful, Gene Pitney, Percy Sledge, The Dave Clark Five, Bobby Womack, and The Hollies) most of the inductees have made their marks on modern music. But the Rock Hall has major gaps in those hallowed has, mostly due to the nominations committees apparent disdain for progressive rock and metal. Metal fans are particularly outraged about the omission of icons like Kiss, Rush, Judas Priest and Iron Maiden. While all those bands may or may not be deserving (okay, one of those bands is a massive oversight and another one is totally undeserving) the fans have a point. Discussion is needed and a more objective system can be used to show actual worth in music history.

There are 5 categories in which the nominees should be judged: longevity, musicianship, influence, album sales and artistic intent. Each of these are important facets to consider when judging whether an act is worthy.

LONGEVITY: This is the most straightforward category. Has an act been active and relevant for a fair amount of time? There are extremes on both sides. There are bands that have one album (yes, they’re still albums) in the Hall and bands that have been together for eons. This doesn’t count the “phantom bands” out there with one original member (I’m looking at you Steppenwolf). Twenty years is the benchmark. Longevity is not the most important factor, but it’s one that can mark another notch in the belt.

EXAMPLES: Aerosmith, The Allman Brothers, Bruce Springsteen, Billy Joel, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

MUSICIANSHIP: This category boils down to how well can you sing? Play the guitar or drum? Are you considered one of the greatest of all time in your chosen field? Freddie Mercury is arguably one of the greatest singers in music history, but the rest of Queen weren’t slouches either. Songwriting is part of this classification as well. Bob Dylan receives negative points for his voice, but his catalogue contains many of the finest songs ever written.

EXAMPLES: The Who, Bob Dylan, Simon and Garfunkel, The Jimi Hendrix Experience, Stevie Wonder, Prince, Bobby Darin

INFLUENCE: Are you a trend setter? Did a thousand bands get launched in your image? Did you create a movement? The Ramones and Sex Pistols set the world on fire in the Seventies and created a template that was followed for years. Would young Mick Jagger (I know, I know) ever sing without Buddy Holly? Would Keith Richards play the guitar without Chuck Berry? It’s easy to achieve immortality if you’ve left a footprint.

EXAMPLES: Buddy Holly, Johnny Cash, David Bowie, Pink Floyd, Sex Pistols, The Ramones

ALBUM SALES: Did you move copies? Are platinum albums being used as dinner plates in your house? Were you the biggest band in the world at some point? This is the most deceiving category since popularity doesn’t always translate to excellence. I’m sure that all those N’Sync fans would disagree with that statement, but in a country where there are McDonald’s on every corner, the best music can be ignored. In some cases, album sales do come along with brilliance. Those cases are usually the most important artists ever.

EXAMPLES: Elvis Presley, AC/DC, Madonna, U2, The Beatles, The Police, The Beach Boys, Michael Jackson

ARTISTIC INTENT: The question here boils down are you trying to color inside the lines or outside them? What are you trying to accomplish? Do you have big plans to get rich or to have the most avant-garde piece of music of all time? While being somewhat tied to influence, it doesn’t always go hand in hand. Is writing the ultimate love song so you can buy a new mansion? Or is it to paint a picture?

EXAMPLES: The Velvet Underground, Frank Zappa, The Talking Heads, The Clash, Steely Dan, Parliament-Funkadelic.

Stay tuned for part 2 where I analyze the upcoming nominees and a few others that are eligible but have been left out so far.

Go South from the West, Young Man...

1. Food

To say that Southerners like their fried food is like saying dogs like treats. Anything and everything that can be fried is. Barbeque is everywhere and available with the customary sides including collard greens. Collards remain a mystery to me. It’s spinach like substance drowned with a faint ham flavoring. Grits are served with cheese and instructions. “Now you gotta put salt, pepper, and hot sauce to make ‘em just right.” Or edible. Livers and gizzards are regular menu items at fried chicken shacks. Much like eating Rocky Mountain Oysters is an understandable thing in the West, chewing the equivalent of chicken bubblegum in the gizzard is also par for the course. The portions are generous and there’s always a wink and smile to go with your meal.

However, finding good Mexican food is like trying to find a snowflake in the Sahara. The burritos and chimichangas are covered in a white cheese sauce that congeals to the consistency of caulk. Smothering a burrito is a foreign concept and asking for such is followed by vacant stares, much akin to asking someone without a watch what time it is in Shanghai. The one restaurant that I’ve found that knows what smothering a burrito is (covering the burrito with green chili) has the temerity to only have vegan green chili. When I asked the server why it was that way, she replied “What would we serve our vegetarian and vegan customers?” Um, their own batch?

2. Hospitality

Southerners are extremely friendly. Some of this may be passive aggressiveness (I’ve since learned that bless his little heart is the same as calling someone a moron), but most of it is genuine. A smile and the ubiquitous phrase of, “How y’all doing today” rings out more than once a day. They also go out of their way to tell you about landmarks and times past. I’ve been lucky enough to have a virtual tour guide tell me about regions, neighborhoods and warn me about summer.

3. Sidewalks

The South doesn’t believe in sidewalks on side streets and the streets are really narrow. Once the roads were paved and finished that was it. Occasionally a fresh coat of asphalt is applied, but that’s about it.

4. Schedules

Everything is slower in the South. Schedules are often just suggestions. Buses can be early, late or they don’t come at all. Civic improvements always require a toe in the water before leaping in with their ankle

5. Critters

There are a lot of critters in Florida. A LOT. Lizards are as common as grasshoppers. There are hundreds of types of birds of all colors. I never knew that cardinals and blue jays actually existed outside of baseball. My first wildlife find was an armadillo that was squished on the side of the road and in the true Southern tradition it was left there to eventually rot. Possums look like rats with a steroid problem. While my paranoia about ‘gators was unfounded, they do exist. I haven’t had many cockroaches at my place (only one of at this writing) but people have warned me about them, especially the aggressive German variety. Germans being aggressive… who knew? Did I mention the lizards?

6. College Football

One of the reasons that pro football has such a hard time in Jacksonville is the lunacy over College Football. You’re a Gator, a Nole or a Dawg… or a Tide or a Tiger/War Eagle. Flags are perched in front of houses on game day or year round. Your college affiliation is one of the first questions asked at a sports bar. My reply of Colorado State is met with either quizzical looks or apologies. “Sorry, man. That must suck,” or “That’s too bad,” are common replies. My observations are that Gator fans are smug and overconfident, Seminole fans are defeatist and hopeful at the same time, and Georgia fans are invisible unless their team is doing well.

7. Weather

Summer is hot. REALLY HOT. As in so oppressive that Floridians become mole people during it. So hot that people apologize for it. But in the meantime, you don’t have to shovel heat or rain.