ESPN. There have never been four letters that have dominated a landscape quite like it. There are many positives to ESPN: the blanket coverage, the availability of sporting events, news at the tip of your fingers, and enjoyable and engaging personalities. And while ESPN has been the best thing about sports, it is also the worst thing about sports. There are many different reasons why the wheels are falling off and these are just ten of them.
10. PALMER AND POLLACK
Okay, lets take two guys with no personality and zero chemistry and give them a three hour show. Ambien doesn't put as many people to sleep as this show does.
"Wow, that's an interesting point..... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."
9. JOHN BUCCIGROSS' INTERVIEW STYLE
In the true Barbara Walters style, no one asks more inane questions than John Buccigross. He's an above average SportsCenter anchor, but put him on an interview and he just bombs. In an effort to be hip, smart and relevant, he accomplishes none of this. He does interviews with a combination of bad jokes, awkward pauses and cultural references that no one understands but him.
"So Jimmer, if you were a tree, would you be like the lead singer of Flogging Molly?"
8. SPORTSNATION
It's not so much the hosts, it's the fact that like Seinfeld, it's a show about nothing. Cameron Diaz look-alike Michelle Beadle is spunky, likable and attractive. Her co-host, Batboy look-alike Colin Cowherd has some knowledge and forceful opinions, but the show seems inconsequential and trivial. SportsNation has the texture of a Cream-Puff.
Stunning resemblance, stunning...
7. CHRIS BERMAN
Hey Berman, I haven't seen a routine so old and tired since Cloris Leachman was on Dancing with Stars. Don Rickles isn't as out of touch as Berman. Please get some new material.
6. ELITISM
The phrase "small market team" or "non BCS AQ school" have no relevance in the real world, but on ESPN they are code for "Not New York" or "Not the SEC." ESPN has developed a penchant for downplaying the little guys. An example would be the Colorado Rockies historical run in 2007, when the Rockies won 14 of their last 15 games and clinched the Wild Card. If this had been a New York team, ESPN would have lauded the streak and call it one of the greatest runs ever in baseball history. This was summarily ignored. ESPN's sense of elitism is so out of whack, that Houston has been called a "mid-market." Houston. The FOURTH largest city in America. But it is college football that most often gets the pinkie out treatment; Boise State is often treated as if it has scabies. Analyst Mark May may be the worst here. Before the 2009 Sugar Bowl, May scoffed at the idea that then Mountain West member Utah beating SEC giant Alabama by saying the Alabama was just "bigger, stronger and better" than Utah. Utah then rolled Alabama 31-17. Which leads to the next item on the list...
5. "EXPERTS"
How many experts does it take to screw in a light bulb? At ESPN? Over a hundred. The outside of ESPN must look like the Statue of Liberty, because ESPN seems to hire anyone with a pulse. Their college football wing is so loaded with analysts that they have a show called "The Experts." Andy Warhol said everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. He must have meant everyone will get time on an ESPN program. This policy has produced some enjoyable moments...
Now THAT is some authentic Frontier gibberish...
4. THE DEATH OF SPORTS WRITING
I enjoy the show Around the Horn, but I don't enjoy what the show has done with the sports writers who "star" on it. They've become rock stars in all the wrong way. This is especially true of Woody Paige who had a chance to become Gene Amole and instead he's decided to become Krusty the Clown. The ecstasy of appearing on TV is overtaking their desire to be journalists.
3. PRISONER OF THE MOMENT
Every week is the best week in sports history. The pitcher who threw the last no-hitter is the best ever. Every playoff series is over after the first game. In the thirst for covering now, ESPN has lost its historical perspective. Careers are largely forgotten. You wont hear about Sandy Koufax, but you will hear about Stephen Strasburg. The more cynical you are, the more you realize that everything that is new is better because ESPN broadcasts it. So all the LeBron talk is to make sure to watch ESPN's broadcast of the Miami Heat game.
2. IDOLATRY
Favre. Kobe. LeBron. Favre. Tebow. Favre. Reggie Bush. Dwayne WADE. The building of false gods is a sports tradition, but ESPN has taken it to an extreme. When Brett Favre was deciding whether or not to return to the NFL after the 2009 season, the town of Hattiesburg was held hostage by near daily reports of will he or won't he? LeBron vs. Michael Jordan has been broached more than once. They build these athletes up to monumental proportions. They've even created an award show in the ESPYs... but perhaps the most damaging (yet again) is their college football coverage. ESPN has built virtual monuments to Tim Tebow, Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart, Jamarcus Russell and Brady Quinn, building them up to being bigger than life and then ESPN is unprepared when reality doesn't quite live up to the hype.
1. SKIP BAYLESS
To paraphrase Walt Kelly's famous comic strip Pogo, we have met the enemy and he is Skip Bayless. Shrill, arrogant, and condescending (and those are his good points), Bayless has unleashed a reign of terror unmatched in sports journalism history. He has engaged in an endless crusade to lift those up whom he has built up and sink those who he despises down to murky depths. Excuses pour out of him like sweat off of Albert Brooks in Broadcast News when he is proven wrong and character assassination comes to those who he bears a grudge with. Troy Aikman wants to meet him in a dark alley after Bayless alleged that Aikman was gay. Bayless insinuated that Chris Broussard, an ESPN NBA Reporter, had taken money to provide LeBron James with favorable coverage. Bayless has had more wrong predictions than most people have had headaches. Why is he there? To stir the pot. But what he's cooking is poisonous to all of ESPN.
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