RONNIE MILSAP: ANY DAY NOW
This is a classic case of symbolism gone wrong. Very, very wrong. It starts with a giant moon glowing in a woman's window... that has Ronnie Milsap in it. I've seen many moons in my day, but they never included blind country singers in them. It actually looks more like an alien abduction than a moon. I don't know if she can see him, but he can't see her (I know, I know). She goes away from the window to sit at her dressing vanity only to have her creepy husband (who's either Magnum P.I. or Daniel Day-Lewis in Gangs of New York) leer over her while she thinks about her lost moon... or love... or alien. And who dresses up their hired help like that? She smells a rose which leads to the maid circling around Ronnie Milsap and delivering roses to her. Twice. For no reason. The woman strips down in front of the maid and leads to what I can only assume becomes a lesbian love scene that turns into a Prell commercial as she waves her feathered hair around and stares at the screen for what seems an eternity before she sits back down while roses fall all over the place. She gets dressed and her creepy child molester husband looks over her. Then she thinks of Ronnie Milsap and goes to the balcony to get abducted into the moon because we all know that middle-aged pudgy blind country stars are soooooooo hot.
PATTY SMYTH AND SCANDAL: THE WARRIOR
This is an example of how dreadful an artistic vision can be corrupted. I'm sure whatever auteur sold Ms. Smyth on this being like Mad Max or featuring really scary creatures, none of which has anything to do with this pile of crap. It features bad hair and makeup, bad interpretive dance and makes no sense whatsoever. It starts with Patty Smyth getting scratched so bad by the least threatening monster ever that she bursts out into song. I've gotten scratched up before, but I've never thought about singing. It features random little people, flower people, fish people and creatures that look like Scatman Crothers. The video has the least effective gang ever showing them circle the main "monster" and threaten him mightily with their rhythmic net sashaying. After escaping that almost attack, the monster hooks up with a pale blond woman who gives him a lap dance and then dies. Dies! While all this is going on, Patty Smyth is wandering around aimlessly while using annoying shooting motions while getting random bad haircuts and atrocious make up jobs. The video climaxes with the big showdown between Patty and the monster. This is approved by a creature that can only be described as the love child of Marcel Marceau and Jay Leno. The interpretive dance... or fight is being scored, or isn't by the creepy mime. The fight is ended when Patty Smyth blows off the monster to sing at the camera. The monster then looks around with a "what do I do now?" look while Patty goes bang bang to the camera.
BILLY SQUIER: ROCK ME TONIGHT
So many questions here... why the satin sheets? Why did he put on that ripped wifebeater? What's with the West Side Story style dancing? Why does the elevator open with no one there? Why does he make sure to turn around and look in the camera? Why does he start crawling on the floor like Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks? And then, why the seizure? Why use the hand as a microphone? Why rip your shirt and then put a more feminine one on? Why the constant finger snapping? What causes him to become all introspective in the bridge of the song? Why does a Billy Squier video wait until 3:17 for him to pick up the guitar? And why drag your band into this, especially the drummer with no rhythm and a bad hat? Why embarrass yourself like this?
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