Replacing Andy Rooney

When Andy Rooney died, a gaping hole in our society emerged: the grumpiest man in America. Rooney's reign as our equivalent of Dana Carvey's Old Man skit on Saturday Night Live was unprecedented. For 33 years he came into our homes and complained about our meals, noting that the kitchen tile didn't match the cabinets and fussed on how indoor plumbing was making America soft. We desperately need another like him and luckily there are plenty of candidates. I'm just going to list eight and show the odds of them replacing Rooney.

JOHN MADDEN: 25 to 1

A bit of a dark horse as he has already retired from broadcasting, Madden's grumpiness could transcend just football as one could imagine him complaining about one too many poppy seeds on his bagel. While he's publicly said that he doesn't mind Frank Caliendo's impression of him, you can see it rankle him. In the end, Madden will end up on a lounge chair on the deck of his massive mansion wistfully lamenting that Brett Favre only played for twenty years instead of thirty.

JAMES CARVILLE: 20 to 1

Carville gets positive points for his ability to go from docile to enraged in 6.6 seconds, but the Democratic strategist gets negative marks for both looking like Tippy the Turtle and being utterly incomprehensible when he starts talking fast. He sounds like a dolphin with a southern twang when he gets going.

BOB RYAN: 75 to 1

Ryan gets on this list because of his uncanny resemblance to Rooney and his wonderful grunts and hand gestures when he dismisses a point or disagrees with someone. Sadly, Ryan's grumpiness is held only to sports and we wouldn't get rants about different kinds of breakfast cereals and how different fruit judge each other. All we would get would be dissertations on the Red Sawx and how wonderful Bill Belichick is.

JACK CAFFERTY: 5 to 1

One of the favorites to succeed Rooney, Cafferty's glumness is a positive to his campaign to be the most grumpy man in the world. His negatives? He's just too serious. You could tell him a joke and he'd wonder how it would effect the upcoming election. His starch bill at the dry cleaners is more than the GDP of most third world countries.

DON RICKLES: 10 to 1

America's favorite insult comedian and the master of laughing at you instead of laughing with you, Don Rickles has been a headliner in Las Vegas since the Mesolithic age. Gracefully blessed with the ability to insult anyone with a pulse, Rickles' grumpiness is legendary but sadly dated like expired ham. Don? They haven't been called Negroes in half a century. You might want to update your act, but why bother since you're one good scare away...

LEWIS BLACK: 99 to 1

At a spry 63 years old, Lewis Black is the youngest of our candidates. He's hysterically funny and angry at the same time and that's an art form unto itself. But there's one glaring problem with his hat being in the race; he's not going to make it to 70 because his head will explode before then. Glenn Beck will say something stupid like Rick Santorum being the next George Washington and Black's head will explode like the guy from Scanners.

TOM BROKAW: 75 to 1

An odd choice to be sure, Tom Brokaw has been level headed and nearly austere for as long as I can remember. He has grace and style. So why is he on this list? Because since he's retired from being NBC Nightly News anchor he's been primarily obsessed with one thing... the generation that fought World War II. That can only warp someone's sensibilities because speaking for all the generations that followed the greatest generation.. we kinda suck. Could you imagine the pandemonium that would ensue if the government rationed sugar? Gasoline? I've seen people freak out in snowstorms over eggs. This can only lead to being a crotchety old man when you do research on people who gave up so much and then look around and watch people complain that their Starbucks latte is too cold? It probably takes the patience of Job for him to not dopeslap someone who cries about shitty cell phone service.

LOU DOBBS: 2 to 1

Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winnah! Lou Dobbs is consistently grumpy about everything. He's so bitter, baker's chocolate is sweet in comparison. I don't know if he has a food labels rant in him, but he's so easily outraged about anything. He's built to run smoochers off of his property. His ire may be too focused on illegal immigrants, but he's feisty and defiant at the same time. A wonderful match in the quest for the newest angry old man.