Requiem For HERO

On November 28, Hero Games announced on their website that there were some changes to the company and two of their three employee were let go and wished well in there future endeavors. The statement said that Hero would remain in business but "just a bit more slowly." Reading between the lines is rather easy in this case, because in between those lines is the simple fact that the Hero Games that helped shape both my childhood and young adulthood is dead.

Hero Games' death is just another symptom of the disease where the blessing of technology is the rest of world's curse. Amazon is wonderful, but it killed Borders. MP3s killed the independent record store. Newspapers and books are seen as things of the past; not as the foundation of the present. Massively multiplayer online role playing games have killed the tabletop role playing games.

Not that Hero Games didn't do their part in their decline, they sold the rights to their intellectual properties to Cryptic Studios which weakened their foundation. They rolled out a sixth edition to their game when there really wasn't much of a demand for it. Instead of producing products that would fill in needed gaps in their portfolio, they rehashed older materials that the majority of their consumers already owned. But that's only part of why they're in a business equivalent of a coma, the main reason is the decline in popularity of tabletop role playing games.

I was first introduced to Hero Games in fifth grade. We had been playing Dungeons and Dragons and, as a change of pace, the dungeon master brought in Champions. Champions was their superhero role playing game. Comic books were a very important part of my life and here was a game in which you could be one. Bliss! You couldn't be Batman, but you could create any hero you wanted to be in an universe of your own design. This fueled my imagination. Not only was I gaming with Champions, but I was also creating stories with their characters. Soon Doctor Destroyer, Foxbat and Howler were as big of villains to me as Dr. Doom, Luthor and the Joker. I could create worlds with characters that weren't untouchable, anything could happen.

As time wore on, I became less and less interested with the books and would still buy Hero Games products out of a sense of completion. Years went by and I gamed less, but I still wanted to see what their interpretation of their characters were. There were ups and downs. Until Steven S. Long bought Hero there was a large drought between products. They launched their fifth edition and things were golden once again. Time passed and you could tell there were some financial problems. Books shrank in size and rose in cost. Covers were no longer original art but collages of interior art. The art suffered. They had great artists like Patrick Zircher, Greg Smith, and Glen Johnson, but after they couldn't afford quality art they started hiring people who had no business having their art published in any format. The ideas were still great though, so I stuck with them.

When Hero decided to go to a sixth edition, I finally said enough. There weren't enough new characters or settings for me and I had all that I wanted. Now it seems more customers followed my lead. While Hero Games had risen from the ashes before, it was in times where tabletop games were still in demand.

Hero may rise from the ashes, but now the fire is out.

Just Another Thanksgiving Column...

It’s a new Thanksgiving tradition in my family to drive from Jacksonville to Atlanta to stay with my sister Allison and her family. Thanksgivings became sketchy after the death of my mother. One time my father and I went to the downtown Denver condo of his then flame and had it with her family. There was no joy as football was forbidden and it was seen as a great compromise to even watch the Broncos who were playing the Lions that year. Another year, Dad and I bought a pre-made turkey that we had to heat up in the microwave. The last Thanksgiving we spent together, I cooked him ham steaks and his precious orange Jell-o salad. He loved to spread mayonnaise on the salad which is still at the top of the list of the most disgusting things I’ve ever tasted.

But this year I’m more thankful than ever for family and even in my depressed haze I’ve realized that there’s more to be grateful for…

I’m thankful for Chunky Bars. Those that don’t like raisins and chocolate have no soul.

I’m thankful that the fates conspired to have John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison live in the same neighborhood in Liverpool.

I’m thankful that soccer isn’t the most popular sport in America.

I’m thankful for Walt Simonson being the nicest comic book professional on God’s green earth.

I’m thankful that the Muppets are cool again.

I’m thankful for Coke Zero. This is the one thing that Glenn Beck and I agree on.

I’m thankful for Jon Stewart keeping people honest.

I’m thankful that Mr. and Ms. Marx had five sons, four of which became the Marx Brothers. I’m also thankful that Hal Roach paired Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy.

I’m thankful that Dave Krieger writes for The Denver Post. It’s good to have sanity represented.

I’m thankful for timelessness. Bugs Bunny will never get old.

I’m thankful for Herman Cain. He’s a satirist’s dream.

I’m thankful for Dan Issel. I just wanted the big guy to know that there’s still one fan left.

I’m thankful for Pearls Before Swine, Cul de Sac, and Get Fuzzy. The art of the comic strip isn’t dead.

I’m thankful for Jim Ross, I just wish the right people were.

I’m thankful for indoor plumbing. Ye olde golden years must not have been pretty.

I’m thankful for Sam Calagione and Garrett Oliver. I’m also thankful that Jacksonville has three more breweries than I thought it would. It has three.

I’m thankful for music. There are some genres that I could do without, but music is the sum of all its parts, even Yngwie Malmsteen.

I’m thankful that what I said when I was going to Parker Junior High School came true. I’m nearly forty and still listening to Rush. Stryper on the other hand…

I’m thankful for Champ Bailey because there’s at least one Bronco who isn’t a fad.

I’m thankful for Youtube, not because of cute animals and people falling on their asses, but because it’s a virtual Music on Demand service.

And most of all I’m thankful for my family, friends and the dogs in my life. Life wouldn’t be the same without them.

Tebowmania (Or How I Stopped Worrying and Just Went With It)

I am a lifelong Bronco fan. When you're born and raised in Denver, your first words are often "Go Broncos" instead of "Mama" or "Dada." The passion for the Broncos is not unlike the fervor in the South for college football. People tailgate for days, paint their faces and root for their team win or lose. We even had a guy dress up in a barrel for 30 years. Life as a Bronco fan was always fun. The Broncos had players that were great but were our little secret: Randy Gradishar, Floyd Little, Rich "Tombstone" Jackson, Tom Jackson, Dennis Smith, Steve Atwater, and Karl Mecklenburg just to name a few. There was some guy John Elway who ruled like a king for sixteen years over the region with one of the best careers in NFL history.

There were characters on the field like Lyle Alzado and characters in the stands. The South Stands in the old Mile High was where the most hardcore fans sat and woe upon you if you were there wearing a Raiders jersey. They had coaches like John Ralston, Lou Saban, and Red Miller. It was the first proving ground that Wade Phillips is a great coordinator but not a good head coach. There were two coaches that rose above all in Dan Reeves and Mike Shanahan. Between the two of them they coached the Broncos for twenty-four years combined and got the Broncos to five Super Bowls with Shanahan winning two. In both their eras, the Broncos were good and often great; always being competitive. In the end, Shanahan became stuck in his own ways and wouldn't fire his defensive coordinator. Broncos owner Pat Bowlen, in turn, fired him.

And then there was the Great Disaster that would plague the Broncos for years to come. The villain that would indeed enable Broncomageddon was hired. And who is this villain? Doctor Doom? Lex Luthor? Who could drag this proud franchise to its knees?

The answer is a 33 year old Patriots offensive coordinator named Josh McDaniels. If someone was paid by another team to destroy the Broncos on purpose they wouldn't have done as good of a job as McDaniels did by accident. During the first year of his reign of terror he traded a Pro Bowl quarterback in Jay Cutler and had a horrific draft of which only three of those ten picks remain on the roster. The first two picks, Knowshon Moreno and Robert Ayers, have been disappointing and the rest were garbage. I'm still not sure of Richard Quinn's existence. I believe that a Richard Quinn is a mythical creature, much like an unicorn or leprechaun.

The team went out to a 6-0 start and people began to believe... then they fell on their faces and finished 8-8 and missed the playoffs. Not content for just mediocrity, McDaniels strove for true ineptitude. He traded more established players away like Tony Scheffler, Peyton Hillis and the mercurial Brandon Marshall. He acquired a young quarterback in Brady Quinn and then quickly threw him to the side and drafted a younger quarterback. While his second draft was much more successful (with six of those picks sticking around), it was much more controversial when they spent a first round pick on former Heisman winner Tim Tebow.

Tebow is a lightning rod to say the least. He seems like a nice, genuine guy. There are some inaccuracies that he has helped foster about his high school and college careers. I'm pretty sure that "they" said that he could be a high school quarterback and I'm sure "they" also said that he could win the Heisman and win a national championship. To many people he is the antithesis of today's rich, spoiled athlete. To his fans he is the opposite of Pacman Jones, Michael Vick and Ben Roethlisberger, a squeaky clean baby-faced champion that says his prayers and takes his vitamins. Never mind that the vast majority of NFL players are good guys and not thugs (I'd like to see him in a pray off with Brian Dawkins for example), he is the answer to all their prayers. I don't have problems with religious athletes and I don't really have a problem with Tebow. It's his wide eyed Moonie like fans that irritate the shit out of me. My other problem is that I'm a Bronco fan in Jacksonville, Florida which only makes it worse.

Tebow's throwing motion is ugly. Like bowling shoe ugly. His passes often sail over his intended targets by yards, not feet. Sometimes his passes looks like a UFO twirling around rather than a tight spiral and then goes to no one in particular. He looked so bad in the preseason that there were talks about him being the fourth string quarterback. Kyle Orton was the clear starter, then stunk up the joint and then was benched for Tebow and sure enough, except for one game in which he was abused by the Lions, he's won.

So what now? I don't believe that some one can just be a winner. I believe that skill and talent win out or an exceptional supporting cast helps you reach your goals. Tebow still has time to grow, but in the future he will not only face fearsome defensive players, but the greatest defensive minds in the country. Men like Bill Belichick and Lovie Smith are the equivalent of Nobel laureates in the way they know football defenses. He will be challenged and he may not succeed.

But for now, and especially after the Josh McDaniels error, I'm just going to enjoy the ride and go with it. Who knows? Maybe I'm wrong.

Replacing Andy Rooney

When Andy Rooney died, a gaping hole in our society emerged: the grumpiest man in America. Rooney's reign as our equivalent of Dana Carvey's Old Man skit on Saturday Night Live was unprecedented. For 33 years he came into our homes and complained about our meals, noting that the kitchen tile didn't match the cabinets and fussed on how indoor plumbing was making America soft. We desperately need another like him and luckily there are plenty of candidates. I'm just going to list eight and show the odds of them replacing Rooney.

JOHN MADDEN: 25 to 1

A bit of a dark horse as he has already retired from broadcasting, Madden's grumpiness could transcend just football as one could imagine him complaining about one too many poppy seeds on his bagel. While he's publicly said that he doesn't mind Frank Caliendo's impression of him, you can see it rankle him. In the end, Madden will end up on a lounge chair on the deck of his massive mansion wistfully lamenting that Brett Favre only played for twenty years instead of thirty.

JAMES CARVILLE: 20 to 1

Carville gets positive points for his ability to go from docile to enraged in 6.6 seconds, but the Democratic strategist gets negative marks for both looking like Tippy the Turtle and being utterly incomprehensible when he starts talking fast. He sounds like a dolphin with a southern twang when he gets going.

BOB RYAN: 75 to 1

Ryan gets on this list because of his uncanny resemblance to Rooney and his wonderful grunts and hand gestures when he dismisses a point or disagrees with someone. Sadly, Ryan's grumpiness is held only to sports and we wouldn't get rants about different kinds of breakfast cereals and how different fruit judge each other. All we would get would be dissertations on the Red Sawx and how wonderful Bill Belichick is.

JACK CAFFERTY: 5 to 1

One of the favorites to succeed Rooney, Cafferty's glumness is a positive to his campaign to be the most grumpy man in the world. His negatives? He's just too serious. You could tell him a joke and he'd wonder how it would effect the upcoming election. His starch bill at the dry cleaners is more than the GDP of most third world countries.

DON RICKLES: 10 to 1

America's favorite insult comedian and the master of laughing at you instead of laughing with you, Don Rickles has been a headliner in Las Vegas since the Mesolithic age. Gracefully blessed with the ability to insult anyone with a pulse, Rickles' grumpiness is legendary but sadly dated like expired ham. Don? They haven't been called Negroes in half a century. You might want to update your act, but why bother since you're one good scare away...

LEWIS BLACK: 99 to 1

At a spry 63 years old, Lewis Black is the youngest of our candidates. He's hysterically funny and angry at the same time and that's an art form unto itself. But there's one glaring problem with his hat being in the race; he's not going to make it to 70 because his head will explode before then. Glenn Beck will say something stupid like Rick Santorum being the next George Washington and Black's head will explode like the guy from Scanners.

TOM BROKAW: 75 to 1

An odd choice to be sure, Tom Brokaw has been level headed and nearly austere for as long as I can remember. He has grace and style. So why is he on this list? Because since he's retired from being NBC Nightly News anchor he's been primarily obsessed with one thing... the generation that fought World War II. That can only warp someone's sensibilities because speaking for all the generations that followed the greatest generation.. we kinda suck. Could you imagine the pandemonium that would ensue if the government rationed sugar? Gasoline? I've seen people freak out in snowstorms over eggs. This can only lead to being a crotchety old man when you do research on people who gave up so much and then look around and watch people complain that their Starbucks latte is too cold? It probably takes the patience of Job for him to not dopeslap someone who cries about shitty cell phone service.

LOU DOBBS: 2 to 1

Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winnah! Lou Dobbs is consistently grumpy about everything. He's so bitter, baker's chocolate is sweet in comparison. I don't know if he has a food labels rant in him, but he's so easily outraged about anything. He's built to run smoochers off of his property. His ire may be too focused on illegal immigrants, but he's feisty and defiant at the same time. A wonderful match in the quest for the newest angry old man.

Five Signs that I'm Getting Older

I recently attended a college football game with my nephew and one of his friends. We parked the car and walked to his friends' fraternity house where there was a pre-game party. I'm about as anti-Fraternity as you can get. GDI (God Damn Independent) should be GDPTCTFT (God Dam Person That Can Think For Themselves) in my estimation. But the thing that I learned the most from the party?

I'm getting old.

No longer a hipster, I'm a poser. I'm now the thing I fear most. I'm becoming my father.

1. Turn Down That Music!

This is where I've been clinging on for dear life. I used to get the music magazines, look bands up online, and even bought CDs that were marginal because I thought I was going to hold on and not be that guy who says "That's not music, that's just noise!"

Then I heard Drake's "Over" for the first time and I had the sudden urge to tell kids to get off my lawn. I didn't get it. It was awful. I wasn't receiving what those darn kids were transmitting. I was crushed.

2. Waddya Mean Adult Contemporary?

I've always liked some of the Classic Rock acts, but my usual focus was on the here and now. This trend ended when I bought a James Taylor album and wasn't being ironic or planning on using it as a coaster. I turned 35 and I felt like drinking prune juice and eating at 4.

3. Mystery Pains.

I creak and pop like a stairwell in an haunted mansion. One day my back will ache and another day my knees will hurt... FOR NO REASON. I can identify where/when the pain comes from (lifting a box or shin splints) but some of it is just puzzling.

4. Loss of Icons

I remember growing up with Johnny Carson. He was bigger than life, but stop a twenty something on the street and ask them who he was and they'll have blank stares on their faces. You can apply this to hundreds of stars and icons. Groucho Marx? Forgotten. Laurel and Hardy? Decidedly un-hip. The stars that we grew up on are fading ciphers. I hate using "back in my day" but somehow it's apropos. Nostalgia is a bowl of raisin bran watching Saturday morning cartoons. How nostalgic will we be for these times? Other than the shitstorm of news stories (Katrina, 9/11, Iraq, Afghanistan, Penn State) there's nothing to retain. Society has become disposable. We spend more time on the frivolous and less on the permanent. In past eras, Kim Kardashian would be a whisper that would occasionally show up in magazines, today she's inescapable... for no reason.

5. Memories Fade Away

It's not just short term memory where you lose your key or wander into a room and forget why you went in there in the first place (I've done that more times than I can count). It's losing moments that were near and precious to you. More stuff goes in, more stuff goes out and hopefully you don't lose the wrong memories.

The Need for Heroes

Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy - F. Scott Fitzgerald

There was a moment in my life that I will never forget. I was fifteen years old and I was taken by my father to get a winter jacket and in a rare moment of splurging, my dad agreed to buy me a sports themed jacket. We went to a sporting goods store and shown to the jacket rack... and there it was as clear as day was a Penn State jacket. My eyes lit up like a firecracker; it was like that moment in a Christmas Story when Ralphie gets the Red Rider B.B. Gun. It was Penn State. It was Joe Paterno. I wasn't clear on just who Joe Paterno was, but I knew what Penn State represented; they wore the white hats.

Fast forward to 2011, Joe Paterno finds himself in a middle of a firestorm where he's either guilty of not doing enough when he was told about an incident where a former assistant coach sexually molested a young boy in the Penn State locker room, or being involved in a massive cover-up of the same incident. Either way, he has let down the millions of people to which he has been a moral flag bearer for their entire lives.

What does that say about hero worship in this society? In this world of TMZ and the 24 hour new cycle, heroes aren't allowed. Lance Armstrong beat cancer and won 7 consecutive Tour de France bicycle races, but is also known as a philanderer and accusations of performance enhancing drugs follow him like a disturbed stalker. Pope John Paul II was one of the most influential pontificate in history, yet his legacy is forever soiled by the child molestation scandals in the Catholic Church. Even look at Herman Cain (a man whose political views I personally disagree with), once he became the front runner in the Republican field he saw his integrity soiled as sexual harassment charges came out of the woodwork like termites. The truth is plain in these days, more plain than it ever has been before. Even historical figures are not immune as the upcoming movie Anonymous is about the theory that William Shakespeare didn't write his plays and football legend Walter Payton had a biography released where he is alleged to have abused painkillers and had multiple affairs.

Feet of clay indeed.

Perhaps that is why people are drawn to Super Heroes, but even then some of them are fatally flawed. Spider-Man's whole concept is based on the fact that he has real problems: he's under employed, is believed to be an outlaw, his love life is messed up, has a sick aunt at home and has tragic events unfold around him so often that even a bluesman hasn't seen as much suffering. The Punisher is a serial killer posing as a "hero" and don't get me started on Wolverine.

What do we do? Do we go back to the way things used to be where there was blessed ignorance? Where Babe Ruth was just a grand ballplayer, but not a drunken carouser that may or may not have lost most of the 1925 season to syphilis? Can you imagine THAT playing out in today's press? How about FDR? John F. Kennedy? Abraham Lincoln is alleged to be gay in a recent book release. TMZ would be stalking him day and night with that relevation. (But on the positive side, perhaps the paparazzi would be hindered by the giant cameras of the 1860's)

We need heroes. We need the truth. How do we balance that? It seems like every year goes by and there's an event that we will live in the post-event world. Post Oklahoma City, Post Waco, Post Columbine, Post Benoit, Post Virginia Tech and especially Post 9/11. We need the counterbalance. That is why some one like Captain Sully Sullenberger gets traction. He provided a heroic act with no strings attached. He was a real life Superman and was lauded for it. We need to believe in the best, because we too often believe in the worst.

We need to believe in fair play more than life isn't fair.

Remember the 80's? Or wish you didn't?

When I heard that Beavis and Butt-Head were returning to MTV, my first reaction was "huh?" and my second reaction was what were they going to lampoon now that MTV no longer relied on videos? The answer was obvious: bad reality shows. The return reminded me on how bad videos were in the 80's. Videos were a relatively new art form and it showed. Logic was thrown out the window and ridiculous imagery was used.

RONNIE MILSAP: ANY DAY NOW

This is a classic case of symbolism gone wrong. Very, very wrong. It starts with a giant moon glowing in a woman's window... that has Ronnie Milsap in it. I've seen many moons in my day, but they never included blind country singers in them. It actually looks more like an alien abduction than a moon. I don't know if she can see him, but he can't see her (I know, I know). She goes away from the window to sit at her dressing vanity only to have her creepy husband (who's either Magnum P.I. or Daniel Day-Lewis in Gangs of New York) leer over her while she thinks about her lost moon... or love... or alien. And who dresses up their hired help like that? She smells a rose which leads to the maid circling around Ronnie Milsap and delivering roses to her. Twice. For no reason. The woman strips down in front of the maid and leads to what I can only assume becomes a lesbian love scene that turns into a Prell commercial as she waves her feathered hair around and stares at the screen for what seems an eternity before she sits back down while roses fall all over the place. She gets dressed and her creepy child molester husband looks over her. Then she thinks of Ronnie Milsap and goes to the balcony to get abducted into the moon because we all know that middle-aged pudgy blind country stars are soooooooo hot.

PATTY SMYTH AND SCANDAL: THE WARRIOR

This is an example of how dreadful an artistic vision can be corrupted. I'm sure whatever auteur sold Ms. Smyth on this being like Mad Max or featuring really scary creatures, none of which has anything to do with this pile of crap. It features bad hair and makeup, bad interpretive dance and makes no sense whatsoever. It starts with Patty Smyth getting scratched so bad by the least threatening monster ever that she bursts out into song. I've gotten scratched up before, but I've never thought about singing. It features random little people, flower people, fish people and creatures that look like Scatman Crothers. The video has the least effective gang ever showing them circle the main "monster" and threaten him mightily with their rhythmic net sashaying. After escaping that almost attack, the monster hooks up with a pale blond woman who gives him a lap dance and then dies. Dies! While all this is going on, Patty Smyth is wandering around aimlessly while using annoying shooting motions while getting random bad haircuts and atrocious make up jobs. The video climaxes with the big showdown between Patty and the monster. This is approved by a creature that can only be described as the love child of Marcel Marceau and Jay Leno. The interpretive dance... or fight is being scored, or isn't by the creepy mime. The fight is ended when Patty Smyth blows off the monster to sing at the camera. The monster then looks around with a "what do I do now?" look while Patty goes bang bang to the camera.

BILLY SQUIER: ROCK ME TONIGHT

So many questions here... why the satin sheets? Why did he put on that ripped wifebeater? What's with the West Side Story style dancing? Why does the elevator open with no one there? Why does he make sure to turn around and look in the camera? Why does he start crawling on the floor like Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks? And then, why the seizure? Why use the hand as a microphone? Why rip your shirt and then put a more feminine one on? Why the constant finger snapping? What causes him to become all introspective in the bridge of the song? Why does a Billy Squier video wait until 3:17 for him to pick up the guitar? And why drag your band into this, especially the drummer with no rhythm and a bad hat? Why embarrass yourself like this?

The Top Ten Worst Things about ESPN

ESPN. There have never been four letters that have dominated a landscape quite like it. There are many positives to ESPN: the blanket coverage, the availability of sporting events, news at the tip of your fingers, and enjoyable and engaging personalities. And while ESPN has been the best thing about sports, it is also the worst thing about sports. There are many different reasons why the wheels are falling off and these are just ten of them.

10. PALMER AND POLLACK

Okay, lets take two guys with no personality and zero chemistry and give them a three hour show. Ambien doesn't put as many people to sleep as this show does.

"Wow, that's an interesting point..... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

9. JOHN BUCCIGROSS' INTERVIEW STYLE

In the true Barbara Walters style, no one asks more inane questions than John Buccigross. He's an above average SportsCenter anchor, but put him on an interview and he just bombs. In an effort to be hip, smart and relevant, he accomplishes none of this. He does interviews with a combination of bad jokes, awkward pauses and cultural references that no one understands but him.

"So Jimmer, if you were a tree, would you be like the lead singer of Flogging Molly?"

8. SPORTSNATION

It's not so much the hosts, it's the fact that like Seinfeld, it's a show about nothing. Cameron Diaz look-alike Michelle Beadle is spunky, likable and attractive. Her co-host, Batboy look-alike Colin Cowherd has some knowledge and forceful opinions, but the show seems inconsequential and trivial. SportsNation has the texture of a Cream-Puff.

Stunning resemblance, stunning...

7. CHRIS BERMAN

Hey Berman, I haven't seen a routine so old and tired since Cloris Leachman was on Dancing with Stars. Don Rickles isn't as out of touch as Berman. Please get some new material.

6. ELITISM

The phrase "small market team" or "non BCS AQ school" have no relevance in the real world, but on ESPN they are code for "Not New York" or "Not the SEC." ESPN has developed a penchant for downplaying the little guys. An example would be the Colorado Rockies historical run in 2007, when the Rockies won 14 of their last 15 games and clinched the Wild Card. If this had been a New York team, ESPN would have lauded the streak and call it one of the greatest runs ever in baseball history. This was summarily ignored. ESPN's sense of elitism is so out of whack, that Houston has been called a "mid-market." Houston. The FOURTH largest city in America. But it is college football that most often gets the pinkie out treatment; Boise State is often treated as if it has scabies. Analyst Mark May may be the worst here. Before the 2009 Sugar Bowl, May scoffed at the idea that then Mountain West member Utah beating SEC giant Alabama by saying the Alabama was just "bigger, stronger and better" than Utah. Utah then rolled Alabama 31-17. Which leads to the next item on the list...

5. "EXPERTS"

How many experts does it take to screw in a light bulb? At ESPN? Over a hundred. The outside of ESPN must look like the Statue of Liberty, because ESPN seems to hire anyone with a pulse. Their college football wing is so loaded with analysts that they have a show called "The Experts." Andy Warhol said everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. He must have meant everyone will get time on an ESPN program. This policy has produced some enjoyable moments...

Now THAT is some authentic Frontier gibberish...

4. THE DEATH OF SPORTS WRITING

I enjoy the show Around the Horn, but I don't enjoy what the show has done with the sports writers who "star" on it. They've become rock stars in all the wrong way. This is especially true of Woody Paige who had a chance to become Gene Amole and instead he's decided to become Krusty the Clown. The ecstasy of appearing on TV is overtaking their desire to be journalists.

3. PRISONER OF THE MOMENT

Every week is the best week in sports history. The pitcher who threw the last no-hitter is the best ever. Every playoff series is over after the first game. In the thirst for covering now, ESPN has lost its historical perspective. Careers are largely forgotten. You wont hear about Sandy Koufax, but you will hear about Stephen Strasburg. The more cynical you are, the more you realize that everything that is new is better because ESPN broadcasts it. So all the LeBron talk is to make sure to watch ESPN's broadcast of the Miami Heat game.

2. IDOLATRY

Favre. Kobe. LeBron. Favre. Tebow. Favre. Reggie Bush. Dwayne WADE. The building of false gods is a sports tradition, but ESPN has taken it to an extreme. When Brett Favre was deciding whether or not to return to the NFL after the 2009 season, the town of Hattiesburg was held hostage by near daily reports of will he or won't he? LeBron vs. Michael Jordan has been broached more than once. They build these athletes up to monumental proportions. They've even created an award show in the ESPYs... but perhaps the most damaging (yet again) is their college football coverage. ESPN has built virtual monuments to Tim Tebow, Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart, Jamarcus Russell and Brady Quinn, building them up to being bigger than life and then ESPN is unprepared when reality doesn't quite live up to the hype.

1. SKIP BAYLESS

To paraphrase Walt Kelly's famous comic strip Pogo, we have met the enemy and he is Skip Bayless. Shrill, arrogant, and condescending (and those are his good points), Bayless has unleashed a reign of terror unmatched in sports journalism history. He has engaged in an endless crusade to lift those up whom he has built up and sink those who he despises down to murky depths. Excuses pour out of him like sweat off of Albert Brooks in Broadcast News when he is proven wrong and character assassination comes to those who he bears a grudge with. Troy Aikman wants to meet him in a dark alley after Bayless alleged that Aikman was gay. Bayless insinuated that Chris Broussard, an ESPN NBA Reporter, had taken money to provide LeBron James with favorable coverage. Bayless has had more wrong predictions than most people have had headaches. Why is he there? To stir the pot. But what he's cooking is poisonous to all of ESPN.

We as in we, but not you

On ESPN’s Grantland website, Chris Jones recently wrote about the fallacy of saying “We” in the context of sports. He makes a good argument, but ultimately all of those who care enough to make the designation miss the point. They’re all buzz kills.

Sports are supposed to be a place of escape and bringing those who aren’t of the same class, gender or race together for a common cause. It is entertainment, but the other forms can be just as divisive as they are communal. You’ll never see an Adam Sandler fan rent Remains of the Day, nor will you see an art house film buff at the premier of Sandler’s upcoming atrocity Jack and Jill. Metal fans are an island on to themselves, neither letting one on the island or off. You may like Fox News or MSNBC, but you won’t like both. Sport transcends all that.

Why care? Why go to someone else’s birthday party and blow out their candles? Is it that important to you to prick their balloon and make them cry? What do you get out of it? It is important to have standards, but why go to all of that trouble just to put people in their place.

The first rule of saying we is that fans DO matter. Can the Florida Marlins exist without them? They’ve given it the good old-fashioned try in the last decade, but the reason why the “evil, small-footed” owners can’t spend any money is because they haven’t put butts in seats. It’s funny how that works. Revenue equals spending, and you can only exist on a marginal scale without fans. Fans matter enough to the Marlins that they built a stadium to see if they draw more of them with the promise of air-conditioning (they won’t). St. Louis is the very definition of a mid-market team. The city is roughly the size of Seattle or Denver, yet the Cardinals are competitive year in and year out. Why? Because the fans go to every game and support the team, so the Cardinals get the extra income to invest back in the team. Without fan support, sports would be empty arena matches with no emotion and no reason to play the game.

Jones’ examples of teams moving (Montreal Expos, Vancouver Grizzlies, Hartford Whalers and the original Cleveland Browns) actually undermine his cause. Only one move happened despite fan support (Art Modell’s craven and cowardly act of ripping the heart out of Cleveland) and the others happened because of the LACK of fan support. They didn’t put enough butts in seats. There was apathy and no sense of communal pride at that time (not to mention that Vancouver just wasn’t ready for the Grizzlies).

It’s not even the definition of the thing, it’s the absolute joy when the buzz kills point out that “you’re” not part of the team. They must tell random children that there is no Santa Claus. It’s interesting to note that those who complain about “we” are usually grammar police in their spare time. Hey, if you’re going to suck the joy out of life, might as well be good at it.

Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame Sabermetrics, part 2

We now will take an analytical look at the upcoming nominees for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Using a 5 point system, we will determine which candidates are worthy.

20-25 points = surefire Hall of Famer

18-19 points = good candidate

16-17 points = fringe candidate

15 and under = not electable

Beastie Boys

LONGEVITY: 4

MUSICIANSHIP: 4

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 4

ARTISTIC INTENT: 4

Final Score: 20

The Beasties have held up well over the years. The elephant in the room is their first album License to Ill which, for all intents and purposes, is a novelty record. Their best years were from 1989, when they released the wonderful album Paul’s Boutique, to 1998 when they put out Hello Nasty. They’re tremendously influential in hip hop for being the first mainline white rap act. It’s a good thing when you consider that they paved the way for 3^rd Bass and Eminem, but a bit of a negative when you realize that they also paved the way for Vanilla Ice and Fred Durst.

The Cure

LONGEVITY: 4

MUSICIANSHIP: 3

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 3

ARTISTIC INTENT: 4

Final Score: 18

Leading the revolution of Goth kids everywhere, The Cure have been a musical force for nearly five decades. With whimsical songwriting and a morbid image, they certainly have a lot of what it takes to be elected to the Hall of Fame. Inconsistency and the fact that for most of their existence they’ve been a Robert Smith solo act disguised as a band would be the biggest roadblocks to election. Plus, they have this “emo” thing that they have to live with… could you sleep at night knowing that you’re responsible for My Chemical Romance?

Donovan

LONGEVITY: 2

MUSICIANSHIP: 4

INFLUENCE: 2

ALBUM SALES: 2

ARTISTIC INTENT: 4

FINAL SCORE: 14

The first real clunker on the nominee list, Donovan was an excellent young folk singer who turned on, tuned in and dropped off some psychedelic music in the 60’s. Known for the songs Sunshine Superman, Mellow Yellow and Hurdy Gurdy Man, Donavan had a brief time in the spotlight in the mid to late 60’s and after releasing HMS Donovan in 1971 fell off both commercially and critically. He basically took the decades of the 80’s and 90’s off. There’s not enough of a legacy there to warrant induction.

Eric B. and Rakim

LONGEVITY: 2

MUSICIANSHIP: 4

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 3

ARTISTIC INTENT: 4

FINAL SCORE: 17

One of the most influential hip hop duos of all time, Eric B. and Rakim were considered as good as it got during their brief tenure in the 80’s and 90’s. Rakim is often considered one of the best, if not THE best, MCs of all time. What hurts them is that they weren’t pioneers like Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, they weren’t commercial juggernauts like RUN-D.M.C., they didn’t have longevity like the Beastie Boys, and they weren’t firebrands like Public Enemy. I’m afraid in this context Eric B. and Rakim fall into the Hall of the Very Good, not into the Hall of Fame.

Guns ‘N’ Roses

LONGEVITY: 2

MUSICIANSHIP: 4

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 5

ARTISTIC INTENT: 3

FINAL SCORE: 18

While it’s easy to pick on Axl Rose for his devolution into a human troll doll, his temper, the ridiculous corn rows and his ability to destroy everything he touches, there’s no denying the impact of Guns ‘N’ Roses on the rock and roll landscape. They were dangerous at a time when most hair metal bands were as threatening as a Care Bear and they made rock exciting again. Then Axl started inciting riots and jumping in crowds and producing schlock like “November Rain” and it all went to shit. Axl’s either been in seclusion for much of the last 2 decades or touring with a sock puppet version of Guns ‘N’ Roses. It’s a simple fact that GNR is comprised of Axl, Slash, Duff McKagan, Izzy Stradlin and either Steven Adler or Matt Sorum (preferably Sorum since he isn’t going in and out of rehab). GNR gets into the Hall of Fame on image alone, but they should have had an all-time kind of career.

Heart

LONGEVITY: 5

MUSICIANSHIP: 3

INFLUENCE: 2

ALBUM SALES: 3

ARTISTIC INTENT: 3

FINAL SCORE: 16

Sisters Ann and Nancy Wilson have been rocking as Heart for nearly 40 years and were one of the first female lead rock acts to make it big. Ann Wilson has one of the best voices in rock and Nancy’s outstanding harmony talents are often overlooked and underappreciated. However, much of their output has been pedestrian and they’ve been inconsistent artistically. They have many fun songs like “Barracuda” and “What About Love”, but few memorable ones. I wouldn’t hate it if Heart gets in, but I think there are stronger candidates.

Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

LONGEVITY: 4

MUSICIANSHIP: 3

INFLUENCE: 3

ALBUM SALES: 3

ARTISTIC INTENT: 4

FINAL SCORE: 17

The original bad girl, Joan Jett has rocked the world for years now with one of the best images out there. After getting her start in the legendary punk band the Runaways, Jett launched into her own solo career. Tough, no-nonsense and aggressive, Jett has been a pioneer for women who rock. An inconsistent output and an overdependence on cover songs may weigh her bid down, but no one questions her smoldering intensity and the importance of her as a seminal figure for female rock. Whether or not that will be enough, time will tell.

Freddie King

LONGEVITY: 3

MUSICIANSHIP: 5

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 2

ARTISTIC INTENT: 3

FINAL SCORE: 17

One of the finest blues guitarists of all time, Freddie King came in the same wave of talent that included Albert King, Albert Collins and Buddy Guy. Strong voiced and with nimble fingers, King recorded both the instrumental “Hide Away” and the classic standard “Have You Ever Loved a Woman?” He was very influential to guitarists such as Stevie Ray Vaughan, Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix and Robert Cray, but he also had a great deal of competition in the blues world and having died young at the age of 42, his longevity pales in comparison to some of his peers. Albert King, Albert Collins and Otis Rush all have similar resumes and longer careers and none of those men are in the Hall.

Laura Nyro

LONGEVITY: 3

MUSICIANSHIP: 4

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 1

ARTISTIC INTENT: 4

FINAL SCORE: 16

A strong voiced songstress from New York, Laura Nyro dazzled critics and musicians alike with her songwriting and phrasing. Among the artists that covered her songs were the 5^th Dimension, Barbra Streisand and Three Dog Night. Blood, Sweat and Tears even butchered covered “And When I Die.” Nyro had some commercial success earlier in her career but fell off after a brief retirement. While she was influential to many artists (Elvis Costello, Todd Rundgren, Rickie Lee Jones and Elton John are among the artists who have claimed her as an influence) she never gained the commercial success that others with similar styles had. Her output became erratic in the later stages of her career before her tragic death due to ovarian cancer. Great talent, but not sure if she’s fame worthy.

Red Hot Chili Peppers

LONGEVITY: 5

MUSICIANSHIP: 4

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 5

ARTISTIC INTENT: 3

FINAL SCORE: 21

One of the best-selling artists of the 90s, the Red Hot Chili Peppers exploded on the scene in 1984; making them one of the longest tenured bands of the Alternative era. High school running buddies Anthony Kiedis and Flea have been the stalwarts of a lineup that has included 6 guitarists and 3 drummers. Since 1989, popularity has not been a problem, but inconsistency and a tendency to not take themselves seriously have occasionally derailed the band. Flea is a top tier bassist and former guitarist John Frusciante was an eclectic edge for the band to have. This could be their year.

Rufus with Chaka Kahn

LONGEVITY: 2

MUSICIANSHIP: 3

INFLUENCE: 2

ALBUM SALES: 3

ARTISTIC INTENT: 2

FINAL SCORE: 12

Another questionable nominee, Rufus was formed in Chicago in 1970 out of the ashes of the band the American Breed. Rufus found a nice groove and ran with it, earning a high profile fan in Stevie Wonder who wrote “Tell Me Something Good” which was their biggest hit. Rufus had a ridiculous number of personnel changes with only keyboardist Kevin Murphy staying for the entire run of the band. In the thirteen years after forming, Rufus had a total of 14 different members. While Rufus had a good deal of commercial success in their day, the lack of a core unit and real imprint should cost them induction. When a band is most famous for launching the solo career of their lead singer, they’re not Hall worthy.

The Small Faces/The Faces

LONGEVITY: 2

MUSICIANSHIP: 4

INFLUENCE: 3

ALBUM SALES: 3

ARTISTIC INTENT: 3

FINAL SCORE: 15

One of the bands from the British Invasion that didn’t quite commercially invade the US, the Small Faces were a tremendous success back in the UK. Founded in 1965, the band had one major international hit with “Itchycoo Park” and major hits at home. Original lead singer Steve Mariott left the band in 1968 to form Humble Pie with Peter Frampton, the remaining members recruited a couple of guys named Rod Stewart and Ronnie Wood from some guitarist named Jeff Beck’s band. The new band was rechristened the Faces (should have been The Noses to be fair) and reinvented themselves as a hard charging rock band. While very influential, The Faces failed to grab the commercial success that was probably deserved. Rod Stewart would eventually get that success by himself and now can be blamed for “Hot Legs.” The main problem with their Hall status is the fact that it’s not really one band, it’s two distinct bands with completely different sounds.

The Spinners

LONGEVITY: 4

MUSICIANSHIP: 4

INFLUENCE: 3

ALBUM SALES: 3

ARTISTIC INTENT: 2

FINAL SCORE: 16

The Spinners were the most important of the Philadelphia soul groups of the early 70’s, even though they were from Detroit. That’s how good they were. Formed in the 1950’s as a corner doo wop group, they languished for a decade at Motown before leaving to sign with Atlantic and work with producer Thom Bell. The Spinners were hit makers for a decade before slowing down in the 1980’s. Their commercial success is laudable, but it’s hard to place them in the hierarchy of vocal groups. They’re a dark horse to make the Hall this year.

Donna Summer

LONGEVITY: 3

MUSICIANSHIP: 3

INFLUENCE: 2

ALBUM SALES: 4

ARTISTIC INTENT: 2

FINAL SCORE: 14

Donna Summer was the Queen of Disco. Her first hit was in 1975 with “Love to Love You Baby” and it kicked off a 10 year period where she was a force to be reckoned with. Beautiful with a sultry voice, Summer sexed up the Disco charts as well as the Billboard top 100. Between 1975 and 1983, she belted out 13 top ten hits and sold an amazing amount of records. The problem was that when disco died, her career didn’t sustain its momentum. Many of her songs are purely commercial with no attempt at pushing any boundaries.

War

LONGEVITY: 4

MUSICIANSHIP: 5

INFLUENCE: 3

ALBUM SALES: 3

ARTISTIC INTENT: 4

FINAL SCORE: 19

War was a multi-racial band based out of Los Angeles. While working as Deacon Jones’ backing band as Nightshift (yes that Deacon Jones and no I’m not making that up) they were discovered by industry heavyweight Jerry Goldstein who mentioned the band as a possibility to former Animals lead singer Eric Burdon who wanted his career to go in a different direction. Joining them along with Danish-born harmonica virtuoso Lee Oskar, Burdon rechristened the band War. After two albums with Burdon, War struck out on their own and produced some of the best soul music in the 70’s. Phenomenal musicians with incredible range, there are few acts with such a diverse array of musical talent. While War was certainly commercially successful, they lacked the blockbuster album that could put them over the top.

Using this objective method, my five votes would go to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Beastie Boys, The Cure, Guns ‘N’ Roses and War.

For fun, I’m going to review three other bands who should have been nominated.

Rush

LONGEVITY: 5

MUSICIANSHIP: 4

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 5

ARTISTIC INTENT: 4

FINAL SCORE: 22

There are great mysteries in this world. How did the dinosaurs die? Is there a Loch Ness Monster? How many licks does it take to make it to the center of a Tootsie Pop? And why hasn’t Rush at least been nominated for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? They obviously have longevity because they released their debut album in 1974 and posted a Billboard top 5 album in 2007. Their musicianship is impeccable with drummer Neal Peart being regarded as one of the best rock drummers of all-time. Geddy Lee’s bass playing is amazing and his voice is… um, he plays the bass well. Alex Lifeson is a great and versatile guitarist. They’ve become very influential with Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins, Trent Reznor of nine inch nails and Les Claypool of Primus all citing Rush as a source of inspiration. They’ve sold over 25 million albums and never stopped pushing musical boundaries. The only reason that they’ve never been nominated is because rock critics didn’t think they were cool. That’s not a good reason. Just nominate them, willya?

Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble

LONGEVITY: 3

MUSICIANSHIP: 5

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 3

ARTISTIC INTENT: 3

FINAL SCORE: 18

One of the finest guitarists of the rock era, Stevie Ray Vaughan died young but left a large legacy due to his blistering style. Backed by Tommy Shannon on bass and Chris Layton on drums, Double Trouble was as tight musically as any band this side of Booker T. and the MG’s. When Vaughan played the Montreux Jazz Festival in 1982, David Bowie offered Vaughan the chance to play on Bowie’s upcoming album and Jackson Browne offered him free time in his studio. When you have two icons falling over themselves to help your career, you have serious peer support. The two issues with Vaughan’s candidacy are the lack of variety in his music and the tragic brevity of his career. In my opinion, Vaughan is the second best guitarist of the rock era eclipsed only by Jimi Hendrix.

Kiss

LONGEVITY: 4

MUSICIANSHIP: 2

INFLUENCE: 4

ALBUM SALES: 5

ARTISTIC INTENT: 1

FINAL SCORE: 16

The most overrated Hall Candidate of all time, Kiss remains the biggest overselling of a legacy in music. Gene Simmons has convinced Kiss fans and heavy metal that Kiss is one of the top selling artists of all time. While their album sales are impressive, they haven’t sold nearly as many copies as they say they have. To put in perspective, AC/DC has sold twice as many copies of Back in Black than Kiss has with their entire catalogue. With mediocre musicianship and laughable artistic intent, their candidacy will remain on the fringes aided only by the cries of the public.

Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame Sabermetrics, part 1

ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME SABERMETRICS

There are two ways at looking at the annual announcement of the nominees for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The first is the usual caterwauling about the Rock and Roll Hall of “Lame” and how come this band is nominated while this band isn’t or the famous misconception that only rock acts should be in the Hall. The second is being analytical about it and applying the equivalent of baseball’s sabermetrics to the new nominees.

The Hall has gotten it mostly right. The acts that need to be in are there. While the Hall has made some mistakes (Solomon Burke, The (Young) Rascals, Del Shannon, The Lovin Spoonful, Gene Pitney, Percy Sledge, The Dave Clark Five, Bobby Womack, and The Hollies) most of the inductees have made their marks on modern music. But the Rock Hall has major gaps in those hallowed has, mostly due to the nominations committees apparent disdain for progressive rock and metal. Metal fans are particularly outraged about the omission of icons like Kiss, Rush, Judas Priest and Iron Maiden. While all those bands may or may not be deserving (okay, one of those bands is a massive oversight and another one is totally undeserving) the fans have a point. Discussion is needed and a more objective system can be used to show actual worth in music history.

There are 5 categories in which the nominees should be judged: longevity, musicianship, influence, album sales and artistic intent. Each of these are important facets to consider when judging whether an act is worthy.

LONGEVITY: This is the most straightforward category. Has an act been active and relevant for a fair amount of time? There are extremes on both sides. There are bands that have one album (yes, they’re still albums) in the Hall and bands that have been together for eons. This doesn’t count the “phantom bands” out there with one original member (I’m looking at you Steppenwolf). Twenty years is the benchmark. Longevity is not the most important factor, but it’s one that can mark another notch in the belt.

EXAMPLES: Aerosmith, The Allman Brothers, Bruce Springsteen, Billy Joel, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

MUSICIANSHIP: This category boils down to how well can you sing? Play the guitar or drum? Are you considered one of the greatest of all time in your chosen field? Freddie Mercury is arguably one of the greatest singers in music history, but the rest of Queen weren’t slouches either. Songwriting is part of this classification as well. Bob Dylan receives negative points for his voice, but his catalogue contains many of the finest songs ever written.

EXAMPLES: The Who, Bob Dylan, Simon and Garfunkel, The Jimi Hendrix Experience, Stevie Wonder, Prince, Bobby Darin

INFLUENCE: Are you a trend setter? Did a thousand bands get launched in your image? Did you create a movement? The Ramones and Sex Pistols set the world on fire in the Seventies and created a template that was followed for years. Would young Mick Jagger (I know, I know) ever sing without Buddy Holly? Would Keith Richards play the guitar without Chuck Berry? It’s easy to achieve immortality if you’ve left a footprint.

EXAMPLES: Buddy Holly, Johnny Cash, David Bowie, Pink Floyd, Sex Pistols, The Ramones

ALBUM SALES: Did you move copies? Are platinum albums being used as dinner plates in your house? Were you the biggest band in the world at some point? This is the most deceiving category since popularity doesn’t always translate to excellence. I’m sure that all those N’Sync fans would disagree with that statement, but in a country where there are McDonald’s on every corner, the best music can be ignored. In some cases, album sales do come along with brilliance. Those cases are usually the most important artists ever.

EXAMPLES: Elvis Presley, AC/DC, Madonna, U2, The Beatles, The Police, The Beach Boys, Michael Jackson

ARTISTIC INTENT: The question here boils down are you trying to color inside the lines or outside them? What are you trying to accomplish? Do you have big plans to get rich or to have the most avant-garde piece of music of all time? While being somewhat tied to influence, it doesn’t always go hand in hand. Is writing the ultimate love song so you can buy a new mansion? Or is it to paint a picture?

EXAMPLES: The Velvet Underground, Frank Zappa, The Talking Heads, The Clash, Steely Dan, Parliament-Funkadelic.

Stay tuned for part 2 where I analyze the upcoming nominees and a few others that are eligible but have been left out so far.

Go South from the West, Young Man...

1. Food

To say that Southerners like their fried food is like saying dogs like treats. Anything and everything that can be fried is. Barbeque is everywhere and available with the customary sides including collard greens. Collards remain a mystery to me. It’s spinach like substance drowned with a faint ham flavoring. Grits are served with cheese and instructions. “Now you gotta put salt, pepper, and hot sauce to make ‘em just right.” Or edible. Livers and gizzards are regular menu items at fried chicken shacks. Much like eating Rocky Mountain Oysters is an understandable thing in the West, chewing the equivalent of chicken bubblegum in the gizzard is also par for the course. The portions are generous and there’s always a wink and smile to go with your meal.

However, finding good Mexican food is like trying to find a snowflake in the Sahara. The burritos and chimichangas are covered in a white cheese sauce that congeals to the consistency of caulk. Smothering a burrito is a foreign concept and asking for such is followed by vacant stares, much akin to asking someone without a watch what time it is in Shanghai. The one restaurant that I’ve found that knows what smothering a burrito is (covering the burrito with green chili) has the temerity to only have vegan green chili. When I asked the server why it was that way, she replied “What would we serve our vegetarian and vegan customers?” Um, their own batch?

2. Hospitality

Southerners are extremely friendly. Some of this may be passive aggressiveness (I’ve since learned that bless his little heart is the same as calling someone a moron), but most of it is genuine. A smile and the ubiquitous phrase of, “How y’all doing today” rings out more than once a day. They also go out of their way to tell you about landmarks and times past. I’ve been lucky enough to have a virtual tour guide tell me about regions, neighborhoods and warn me about summer.

3. Sidewalks

The South doesn’t believe in sidewalks on side streets and the streets are really narrow. Once the roads were paved and finished that was it. Occasionally a fresh coat of asphalt is applied, but that’s about it.

4. Schedules

Everything is slower in the South. Schedules are often just suggestions. Buses can be early, late or they don’t come at all. Civic improvements always require a toe in the water before leaping in with their ankle

5. Critters

There are a lot of critters in Florida. A LOT. Lizards are as common as grasshoppers. There are hundreds of types of birds of all colors. I never knew that cardinals and blue jays actually existed outside of baseball. My first wildlife find was an armadillo that was squished on the side of the road and in the true Southern tradition it was left there to eventually rot. Possums look like rats with a steroid problem. While my paranoia about ‘gators was unfounded, they do exist. I haven’t had many cockroaches at my place (only one of at this writing) but people have warned me about them, especially the aggressive German variety. Germans being aggressive… who knew? Did I mention the lizards?

6. College Football

One of the reasons that pro football has such a hard time in Jacksonville is the lunacy over College Football. You’re a Gator, a Nole or a Dawg… or a Tide or a Tiger/War Eagle. Flags are perched in front of houses on game day or year round. Your college affiliation is one of the first questions asked at a sports bar. My reply of Colorado State is met with either quizzical looks or apologies. “Sorry, man. That must suck,” or “That’s too bad,” are common replies. My observations are that Gator fans are smug and overconfident, Seminole fans are defeatist and hopeful at the same time, and Georgia fans are invisible unless their team is doing well.

7. Weather

Summer is hot. REALLY HOT. As in so oppressive that Floridians become mole people during it. So hot that people apologize for it. But in the meantime, you don’t have to shovel heat or rain.